Jack in the Box

So, tonight I was on the phone with my sister which was fun. She was telling me that she went to the doctor yesterday and heard the heartbeat and they said that everything was looking good. So, that's a relief. I go in for my genetic testing on Thursday. So, I'm a little nervous about that. My sister and I were talking about the stuff she would need for the baby. It was really awesome to be able to share some of my experiences with her. Thank GOODNESS she agreed with me on a lot of points. For example, she had already deemed the diaper genie and the baby wipe warmer non-essential items. I told her a bassinet was also probably a waste of money. She told me she'd been looking at the pack and plays that have the bassinet with it. I told her that's exactly what I would suggest because then you can use as a bassinet at first and then later as a playpen. So, it definitely serves two purposes and you definitely get more of your money's worth out of it. But, I think the best part of the conversation came when she told me she was craving Jack in the Box and the closest one she knew of was like 20 miles away. I told her surely there must be one closer and I googled it since I had my laptop up. Sure enough there was one closer. I had to call the location to get their exact cross-roads as they were not listed on the website. But, when I called my sister back she was extremely grateful that I found her a closer Jack in the Box because that's what she's been craving. So glad I could at least do something small for my preggers sis.

Not my Blob Photos

Since I posted my own blob photos of our most recent addition. I figured it would be only fair that I post my new niece or nephew blob photos on here as well. I might get in trouble for this. However, my sister has had her own struggles with infertility and the fact that she's pregnant is such a blessing. And that we are pregnant at the same time is completely wonderful. So, here's my little niece or nephew. My sister always told me she might name her daughter Katrina. So, we'll call this Kat 1 photo and Kat 2 photo (two sono pix).

Grrrrr and a Little MORE Grrrr

Do you ever just have those days that everyone and anything gets on your damn nerves? I felt that way several times today. I also feel like I was throwing myself a damn pity party and that gets on my nerves even more.

I was briefly speaking with my husband regarding my HPV and told him that I didn't think I had cancer because I had the cells before that. His response, "you better hope you don't have cancer." Wow! Um, wow! I don't even think words could describe how pissed off that made me. I'm still so aggravated I could spit. And he also stated that if I go that there's a lot of money in it for him. Wow... AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Seriously! I know he was just trying to be funny. Here's my husband... something starts to go wrong with me and he turns into a retard. It's like he has freaking word vomit and turns into a mess. It's like something major is happening to me and I have to comfort him. He's like an overgrown child.

And then there's my family... I have the best family in the world. I do. Nobody can say that more than me. Truly, they are miracles. My parents are amazing as well as my siblings and my Aunt. They are all amazing despite the recent drama with them. (Too long of a story)... but I feel like I have little cracks in me that I'm not allowed to show especially because of my husband. I'm really scared. I'm just scared.

I guess my problem is I am being an overgrown child right now because I want to throw a tantrum. And I think everyone thinks I'm either too mature and I definitely don't want to freak out my kids. But, do you ever want to just throw a really big freaking tantrum? I've been reading a few blogs and have some people close to me that constantly throw tantrums... and I wonder if I can have a turn. Just when I think I might get the chance, it passes. So, here goes... here's MY TANTRUM... where the fuck are the people in MY LIFE telling me its going to be okay? Oh wait... I think my Mom said something along those lines earlier. DAMMIT! I can't even throw myself a decent and valid pity party. Lame. Cause the truth is most people are that way in my life. I just don't have any female family members here right now to hug me and tell me it will be okay.

What a crappy post.

A Little Too Much Perfect

Okay, so I went to the doctor for my third child's first sonogram and he/she's beautiful. The heartbeat is 170 beats a minute and I was dead on accurate in determining my due date of January 9th. Below are the sonogram pictures of my newest little blob. He or she is developing wonderful. Except for the fact that I gained 7 pounds in a little over two weeks. I've been drinking WAY too much milk. Cause I'll through like half a gallon... so I'll need to switch back to water to keep the weight thing under control. Although my doctor didn't really say anything much about the weight... so I guess it's not that big of a concern. Actually, come to think of it I neglected to ask her why I've been more short of breath with this pregnancy than with the others... but I got a little sidetracked.




As my Aunt jokingly told me when I told her this news... she said you've had way too much perfect... time for you to have a little drama. To which I responded that she was right. Evidently I have HPV and some pre-cancerous cells. I'll have to have another pap smear in a few weeks to determine the level of pre-cancerous cells. Apparently there are three levels. Type I, II, and III. They are already sure that I have Type I and Type II. However, we're not sure if I have III. I guess the higher you get the closer you are to cancer. HOWEVER, even if I had cancer falling out everywhere the absolute worst case scenario would be to give me a hysterectomy and take everything out including the baby. HOWEVER, she does not believe I have cancer so therefore that is probably a shot in the dark. More than likely I will have to have a portion of my cervix removed after I've healed from having the baby and I'll have to watch this carefully... meaning lots of pap smears. Personally I think this is just an excuse to put me in those stirrups cause they must know I hate them. ;P Anyway, that's all my news for now. Pray for my little boo bear. If I have to have a hysterectomy at least let it be after the baby is here. Three kids is plenty and I'll be extremely grateful God blessed me with them. They are my little miracles. ;)

Boys will be Boys

I neglected to post anything regarding Dustin's bday and will as soon as I download the pictures.

Well, I'm definitely surrounded by tons of boys. I kind of like it that way... that way when I'm PMSing... I'm the only one bitchy in the house. Except the dog and cat are female. So, I guess that helps even the gender score. There is definitely something to be said for being the only bitch around. I'm not really sure I had an actual point when I began this post... but I guess I'll just run with it.
I've been teaching Dakota to say, "Mom-ma." And everytime he gets it right I clap for him and applaude how amazingly brilliant my one year old son is. Well, the other day Dakota said, "Mom-ma" and started applauding himself without any prompting from me (it was first thing in the morning... and since I don't do tricks first thing in the morning I damn sure don't expect my kids to do them either). It was so adorable. He's growing up so fast. I love the way Dakota gives hugs. He simply puts his head on your lap, leg, arm, whatever... and just pauses there. Then he looks up at you and smiles and repeats this process a few more times. He's such a little angel. Don't worry... I'm enjoying this while it lasts because soon he'll be just like my other little hellion.
Speaking of my little hellion... he also does some incredibly sweet things. Like when he's laying next to me with his blankie, he give me the smallest corner of his blankie and wants to share. He takes such good care of me. And when he whacks the shit out of me doing lord knows what he always kisses my ouchies. Typically he thinks I'm a jungle gym and just jumps on me wherever. He doesn't really have a concept that he can inflict pain since I guess he thinks I'm so much bigger than him and he thinks he's tinkerbell or something. 40+ lbs of tinkerbell can definitely cause some ouchies... luckily nothing serious. He's also very sweet with his little brother and absolutely adores playing with him. It's nice to see them together because Dakota thinks his big brother is the whole world. But, when Dustin does something he doesn't like he screams bloody murder because he knows Momma will come to his rescue... What a handful these two. Love you little bears!

Last Time... Did I speak too soon??

Okay, so while everyone else around me is secretly snickering at me because I got pregnant again. Truly in terms of my current family situation (my IF sis stopped talking to my Mom... that's a long story I'm not going in to) this at least takes the gossip mill off my sister for awhile. I think she was turning into the black sheep... looks like I couldn't let her take my crown for very long. :) LOL! My Dad told me that being pregnant right now seemed like an incredibly stupid thing. I know he's right. I do... and my husband and I have talked about him getting fixed. Perhaps I spoke too soon. It still makes my heart clench a little to think that THIS IS IT! This is the last time I will ever carry a beautiful angel inside my womb. What a depressing thought. With all of the infertility around me... my womb is one of things I love about me most. I understand what it is to see others suffer and am so grateful for my own lack of problems in that arena. I see the heartache, I see the tears, I see the woe. And for all of those things, I know what looks like, despite never having felt it myself. So, perhaps that makes me selfish... that I am grateful... but I am. I'm grateful that my womb never betrayed me like I've seen my sister's do. I think the women that go through IF are so incredibly strong and secretly I don't think I'm as strong as they are. So, I'm just going to be grateful that my womb works even when I wasn't really wanting it to. My best friend is also an IF and is working on that situation right now. I recall in the not too distant past when one of her other pregnant friends was complaining about her pregnancy. This hurt my IF friend dearly. I will be congnizant not to make the same mistake even when this baby begins to kick my ass. And she will. I'm sure it's a girl because I want a boy. I wonder if she'll cuddle with my bladder like my youngest or grind her feet in my ribcage like my oldest. I wonder if she'll have blue eyes like her brothers. I should feel her kick sometime in July. I wonder if she'll be an Xmas baby and loathe me forever because her birthday coinsides with Xmas. :) I hope she's healthy... she'll be love whatever she is. Dakota won't be my runt anymore. Hmmmm... my runt has had a fever all weekend and he's been a little under the weather. I think he's teething again because he's drooling. He likes to cuddle right now and drool all over you. It's very sweet and gross at the same time. This time I'm breastfeeding for much LONGER than I did with Dakota (two weeks)... she's got a lot of weight to take off for me... Dakota's weight and the weight she'll put on my ass. So, I've got two names I already like: Jayden Beverly Duke (this would have been Dakota's name if he'd been a girl) and Dane William Duke if it's a boy. Right now she's just a blob... a little bitty blob... at least that's what she'll look like when we first see her in 4-5 weeks. I wonder what she is... too bad I have to wait until August/September to find out. I'll make my OB appointment on Monday to see what's what. I can't believe I'm having another baby. I'm excited that this time Dustin is old enough to share this experience with me... last time I think he "got it" at the end... when we showed him the baby... and I pointed to my tummy and said, "all gone baby." This time I don't think he gets it yet... but as I get a little bigger he'll understand more. I'm excited to have him feel the baby move. Dakota won't give a shit because he's too little. I wonder if Dustin will try to put his baby sister in the closet like he did Kota. My womb and heart are full. I am grateful. To all of those suffering from IF... I hope that you too are granted your deepest desires and experience motherhood whether via adoption or conception. I read another blog that said Mother's Day forgets about all of the one's that don't have children. Happy Mother's Day IF world. You are not forgotten. You are never forgotten. And if I'm contrary... I don't mean to be... my heart comes from a place a love.

In the land of now's not a good time but I guess it's a good a time as any

So, I found out some news today and it really rocked my world. I found out that I'm expecting my third child. My whole reality seemed to tilt on axis. So, I've kind of rocked back and forth today while I digest the news. Financially this is really not a good time... I mean... really not a good time. But, a part of me is secretly happy. I was ecstatic for a few hours as well. Then I just started thinking about my selfish wants about an hour ago. I just started losing weight, I had just started working out again, I was just beginning to enjoy my life the way it was without school and with the two current boys I have. I was actually even beginning to think that I may not want anymore children at all because I want to be able to give the two children I have all that I am. Now I'm plagued with fear... how will I support this child... shit I was taking diet pills... did they harm my unsuspecting baby. Dammmit! So many things to worry about. And then I think... I knew it... I knew I was pregnant. I've had all the warning signs all month. First I was overly emotional especially for me. I always have to pee all the time... but I had to pee even more than usual and then I felt quesy this morning. Damn, double damn. I'm scared... that's the truth. More than anything I want to know that this baby is okay and healthy and that I will have the strength to give it my all.
As I had begun thinking about the selfish stuff in my life I read some infertility blogs derived from my best friend's blog and other blog I follow. In my best friend's she's having to have surgery to continue her journey to expand her family. In the second blog, the woman is currently pregnant but it seems to be a very difficult pregnancy as the baby is measuring behind and they are worried about the total welfare of the child. That baby may not make it. I think being so close to infertiles this pregnancy will make me so much more paranoid about the health of this baby. I already feel so much more paranoid than I did with my first two. And the reality is... I need to calm the 'f' down. The good news is that today is the first day I've known that I am pregnant so I'm going to allow myself the little tantrum of freaking out. At least temporarily. I can't run around screaming at the top of my lungs because that would stress out the other people in the house, especially my boys. When Momma isn't happy... neither is anyone else. So, I really was going someplace when I mentioned the infertile blogs that I was reading. I also read a couple of other blogs and the reality is... there are so many women out there right now that would kill just for the chance to "accidentally" get pregnant. So I'd better get extremely grateful in a hurry.