Random Information

So, my youngest son Dakota just woke up screaming. I guess he had a nightmare. Not sure what nightmares a nine month old can have. But, anyway I naturally went to grab him because he was upset and calm him down. My husband came out throwing a fit because he can't sleep and saying I should have just let him cry. Like it's my fault he's been trying to go to sleep for an hour? Dakota was up and crying for maybe ten minutes before he calmed down and fell back asleep. Is it me or can husband throw fits as big or bigger than the kids? LOL!

So, my co-worker and I have been talking about adoption because of some of her friends are going through it. I read a blog where someone had just recently adopted a new baby. They were there in the room when the mother relinquished her rights. That tore out my heart. She made a statement about that being the ultimate act of love for the child. Knowing that you can't take care of it and putting the needs of the baby before your own. I just kept thinking, I don't think I'm that strong. I don't think I could give one of my kids away. Perhaps it's because I'm at a different time in my life and I can provide for my children. I would do anything for them including moving mountains. But, I'm not sure I could give them up. They are my heart and my world. I commend the mothers that know they are incapable of providing for their children and choose adoption. And for the adoptive mothers willing to step in. Both are probably stronger than I. Although I guess it depends on the perspective. I got sober before I had children so that I would be a good mother. Since having my children I've obtained my Bachelors and am currently working on my Masters. I'm not there yet but I continue to attempt to improve myself so that I can be a better mother. If I were extremely young, perhaps that would be different. But, being that I'm in the last few months of my 20s I'm grateful that I grew up enough to become a mother. Without them I wouldn't be who I am and wouldn't have the motivation and clarity that I do. They are my fuel and what keeps me going. I truly believe that if God loves me half as much as I love my kids then He can do anything.

So, today my team and I participated in dress for Halloween at work. I must say that my co-workers far outdid me. We did an 80's theme and they were completely over the top. I'll post pictures when they become available (they were taken with my co-workers camera). So, once she puts them on facebook I can transfer some. But they were absolutely hysterical. Seriously, it was awesome.

But, I digress I suppose it's time for bed. Good night bloggers.

Bobot

Bobot is a main theme in our house and has practically become a family member. My son is obsessed with transformers and anything related to them. We bought him the first transformers movie two weeks ago and needless to say I have watched that movie several times during that timeframe. We bought him transformer shoes that light up over the weekend. He slept in them last night. He is also being a Bobot for Halloween which is absolutely adorable. He calls the mask his Bobot Hat. The unfortunate thing is that half the time I have to tell him he can't wear it because I've already had to mend two holes in it because of his extensive use of it. I cannot wait to take him trick-or-treating. I work in Accounting, so when month end comes I usually have to work really late. Last year I worked until after 10. So, this is my first year that Halloween falls on a Saturday and that means I get to take my beloved boys out on the town. Okay, not really the town. However, we'll be driving 3 miles over to my Dad's house to go trick-or-treating. There are more kids in his neighborhood so I think they'll have more fun. Dakota is so laid back that I think he'll just enjoy the ride. This day is really going to be more about Dustin this year. Perhaps next year Dakota will get more into it. But, being that he's only nine months he'll be strollering it this year. Below are some pix of Dustin in his Bobot costume. Love these!

Boss' Day

So, on boss's day my co-workers and I went all out. We completely decorated my boss's office in Barney. Yes, Barney. Now the story behind that is Barb hates Barney. Being the twisted person that I am I think that when you love someone you torture them and show you care all at the same time. So, we put various pix of Barney all over her walls and she had a ton of fun. It's so nice to be on a team where we all get along and have a lot of fun together. Below are some pix of the day.

Pumpkin Patch

Well the first weekend in October some co-workers and I took my boys to the Flower Mound pumpkin patch. We had so much fun. Dustin rode a horse for the first time. After that Dustin felt like he needed to ride piggy back on me. I guess that walking thing is over-rated. He also spent some time sliding down the bounce house slide. Of course he needed help getting up there because it was difficult to get up there. Dakota spent the time being cuddled by everyone. What a fun day!

Be Grateful for What You Have

Yesterday I went to a meeting and I heard a girl share that her 15 month old daughter was found dead in her apartment with her boyfriend a month ago. She had a lacerated pancreas. The police think there was foul play and she is under suspicion for neglect as the result of leaving her with her father (the boyfriend). She was eight months sober when it happened and has miraculously made it through the first month sober. Aside from everything and the circumstances regarding the death, I cannot even fathom her pain. I think worse than actually not being able to have a child would be to lose one. It is my absolute greatest fear. I'm not sure that I would want to be in a world that my children were not in. I'm sick in that I think at least I have two, in case something horrible happened I would be required to keep it together for the other one. Because if I was suddenly childless I'm not sure I would be able to keep it together let alone eat, breathe, and function. My children are my life's blood. They are my soul and heart melded into one. Be grateful for what you have and for the events that have not happened to you.

Silence is Golden

The house is pretty much quiet. The animals are making noise, but then I guess it wouldn't be my circus if there wasn't something else causing noise somewhere in the house. I've got the house to myself for about another hour before the circus gets here. We have my step-son this weekend as well. It's nice having him around. I'm kind of enjoying the quiet for the moment. I love it when it's the middle of the night on the weekend at like midnight. Then the house is quiet and mine to enjoy. Of course usually about that time I'm exhausted and padding off to bed. But every now and again I get to enjoy the night. Don't get me wrong I love the boys (bear, bug, kooter, and dill) i.e. (Darrell, Dustin, Dakota, and Dylan), but sometimes its nice to have some quiet time.

Six Years

Well, last Sunday I passed my sixth year of sobriety. As I scroll back through these six years, it's hard to believe that the time has passed so quickly. When I started on this journey I was terrified, absolutely terrified. I was almost immobile with fear. I recall waking up on the morning of September 5th, still raw and hungover. The previous night, I had asked my Dad to help me to get sober. As he walked me to my car, he told me he didn't have the energy. I had already taken him on a four year non-stop drinking binge with me and he'd been weakened emotionally as the result of my actions. I didn't blame him. But that didn't stop the tears from falling. I couldn't stop. The comfort wouldn't come. I felt hopeless. I lived in Phoenix at the time and my mother lived in Fort Worth, TX. Utimately after about an hour of driving home, getting ready ready for work, and trying to become composed enough to go into work I gave up. I drove back to my Dad's house and googled directions to Texas. It was 1,080 miles. I'd never driven that far. I walked out of my life that day and have not really looked back. I drove to Texas and to a rehab. My Mom found the rehab and my insurance covered it. I stopped in Odessa Texas and that's where my last drunk was. Thus, why my sobriety date is 9/6/03 versus 9/5/03. Nevertheless I was admitted to rehab on Monday 9/8/03. Things have always come easy for me, learning, school, making friends, but this was difference. I wouldn't say it was easy and I wouldn't say it was completely unfathomable either. I wanted to change my life with every fiber of my being. I wanted more out of life than what I had made of it. I knew I deserved better. I knew my family deserved better. So, here we are six years later. I never thought I'd make it this far. I guess I just never considered it. I didn't have much hope then. Now, I look at my life and it's a completely different vantage point. I find myself knowing that I am capable of so much more than I previously gave myself credit for. I have made it through both the good and the bad and to a newly recovered alcoholic sometimes the good can be more terrifying and foreign than the bad. Life has not been a bed of roses but the aroma is definitely that. I love the fact that I am no longer a slave to a liquid. I know who I am and am comfortable in my own skin. Even six years ago today I couldn't have said that. I'm more blessed than I can say. My children have a sober mother. I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful family. My Dad ended up moving out here to Texas after I gave birth to my first son. I was almost three years sober when I gave birth to him. My journey is definitely different now but no less of an adventure. I enjoy the twists and turns. I love the problems I have today. I worry about potty training and not the way I behaved in a black out yesterday. My life is just that, mine. I am free to do with it as I want. I have done the things and accomplished things in these six years that I never dreamed I would do. Especially getting my Masters degree. I'm more than halfway done and am amazed that I made it this far. In a perfect world I would have done things in the right order, gotten the degrees, found the husband, and then had kids. But, then that wouldn't be my story, would it? I've learned that just taking that first step that's the hardest is often the best one to make. I've learned that when the world seems to be falling down around you that there is still hope. I've learned that I am whatever I believe I can be. Thank you GOD for all you've inspired me to do.