Saturday, September 19, 2009
Yesterday I went to a meeting and I heard a girl share that her 15 month old daughter was found dead in her apartment with her boyfriend a month ago. She had a lacerated pancreas. The police think there was foul play and she is under suspicion for neglect as the result of leaving her with her father (the boyfriend). She was eight months sober when it happened and has miraculously made it through the first month sober. Aside from everything and the circumstances regarding the death, I cannot even fathom her pain. I think worse than actually not being able to have a child would be to lose one. It is my absolute greatest fear. I'm not sure that I would want to be in a world that my children were not in. I'm sick in that I think at least I have two, in case something horrible happened I would be required to keep it together for the other one. Because if I was suddenly childless I'm not sure I would be able to keep it together let alone eat, breathe, and function. My children are my life's blood. They are my soul and heart melded into one. Be grateful for what you have and for the events that have not happened to you.
Friday, September 18, 2009
The house is pretty much quiet. The animals are making noise, but then I guess it wouldn't be my circus if there wasn't something else causing noise somewhere in the house. I've got the house to myself for about another hour before the circus gets here. We have my step-son this weekend as well. It's nice having him around. I'm kind of enjoying the quiet for the moment. I love it when it's the middle of the night on the weekend at like midnight. Then the house is quiet and mine to enjoy. Of course usually about that time I'm exhausted and padding off to bed. But every now and again I get to enjoy the night. Don't get me wrong I love the boys (bear, bug, kooter, and dill) i.e. (Darrell, Dustin, Dakota, and Dylan), but sometimes its nice to have some quiet time.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Well, last Sunday I passed my sixth year of sobriety. As I scroll back through these six years, it's hard to believe that the time has passed so quickly. When I started on this journey I was terrified, absolutely terrified. I was almost immobile with fear. I recall waking up on the morning of September 5th, still raw and hungover. The previous night, I had asked my Dad to help me to get sober. As he walked me to my car, he told me he didn't have the energy. I had already taken him on a four year non-stop drinking binge with me and he'd been weakened emotionally as the result of my actions. I didn't blame him. But that didn't stop the tears from falling. I couldn't stop. The comfort wouldn't come. I felt hopeless. I lived in Phoenix at the time and my mother lived in Fort Worth, TX. Utimately after about an hour of driving home, getting ready ready for work, and trying to become composed enough to go into work I gave up. I drove back to my Dad's house and googled directions to Texas. It was 1,080 miles. I'd never driven that far. I walked out of my life that day and have not really looked back. I drove to Texas and to a rehab. My Mom found the rehab and my insurance covered it. I stopped in Odessa Texas and that's where my last drunk was. Thus, why my sobriety date is 9/6/03 versus 9/5/03. Nevertheless I was admitted to rehab on Monday 9/8/03. Things have always come easy for me, learning, school, making friends, but this was difference. I wouldn't say it was easy and I wouldn't say it was completely unfathomable either. I wanted to change my life with every fiber of my being. I wanted more out of life than what I had made of it. I knew I deserved better. I knew my family deserved better. So, here we are six years later. I never thought I'd make it this far. I guess I just never considered it. I didn't have much hope then. Now, I look at my life and it's a completely different vantage point. I find myself knowing that I am capable of so much more than I previously gave myself credit for. I have made it through both the good and the bad and to a newly recovered alcoholic sometimes the good can be more terrifying and foreign than the bad. Life has not been a bed of roses but the aroma is definitely that. I love the fact that I am no longer a slave to a liquid. I know who I am and am comfortable in my own skin. Even six years ago today I couldn't have said that. I'm more blessed than I can say. My children have a sober mother. I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful family. My Dad ended up moving out here to Texas after I gave birth to my first son. I was almost three years sober when I gave birth to him. My journey is definitely different now but no less of an adventure. I enjoy the twists and turns. I love the problems I have today. I worry about potty training and not the way I behaved in a black out yesterday. My life is just that, mine. I am free to do with it as I want. I have done the things and accomplished things in these six years that I never dreamed I would do. Especially getting my Masters degree. I'm more than halfway done and am amazed that I made it this far. In a perfect world I would have done things in the right order, gotten the degrees, found the husband, and then had kids. But, then that wouldn't be my story, would it? I've learned that just taking that first step that's the hardest is often the best one to make. I've learned that when the world seems to be falling down around you that there is still hope. I've learned that I am whatever I believe I can be. Thank you GOD for all you've inspired me to do.