Be Grateful for What You Have

Yesterday I went to a meeting and I heard a girl share that her 15 month old daughter was found dead in her apartment with her boyfriend a month ago. She had a lacerated pancreas. The police think there was foul play and she is under suspicion for neglect as the result of leaving her with her father (the boyfriend). She was eight months sober when it happened and has miraculously made it through the first month sober. Aside from everything and the circumstances regarding the death, I cannot even fathom her pain. I think worse than actually not being able to have a child would be to lose one. It is my absolute greatest fear. I'm not sure that I would want to be in a world that my children were not in. I'm sick in that I think at least I have two, in case something horrible happened I would be required to keep it together for the other one. Because if I was suddenly childless I'm not sure I would be able to keep it together let alone eat, breathe, and function. My children are my life's blood. They are my soul and heart melded into one. Be grateful for what you have and for the events that have not happened to you.

Silence is Golden

The house is pretty much quiet. The animals are making noise, but then I guess it wouldn't be my circus if there wasn't something else causing noise somewhere in the house. I've got the house to myself for about another hour before the circus gets here. We have my step-son this weekend as well. It's nice having him around. I'm kind of enjoying the quiet for the moment. I love it when it's the middle of the night on the weekend at like midnight. Then the house is quiet and mine to enjoy. Of course usually about that time I'm exhausted and padding off to bed. But every now and again I get to enjoy the night. Don't get me wrong I love the boys (bear, bug, kooter, and dill) i.e. (Darrell, Dustin, Dakota, and Dylan), but sometimes its nice to have some quiet time.

Six Years

Well, last Sunday I passed my sixth year of sobriety. As I scroll back through these six years, it's hard to believe that the time has passed so quickly. When I started on this journey I was terrified, absolutely terrified. I was almost immobile with fear. I recall waking up on the morning of September 5th, still raw and hungover. The previous night, I had asked my Dad to help me to get sober. As he walked me to my car, he told me he didn't have the energy. I had already taken him on a four year non-stop drinking binge with me and he'd been weakened emotionally as the result of my actions. I didn't blame him. But that didn't stop the tears from falling. I couldn't stop. The comfort wouldn't come. I felt hopeless. I lived in Phoenix at the time and my mother lived in Fort Worth, TX. Utimately after about an hour of driving home, getting ready ready for work, and trying to become composed enough to go into work I gave up. I drove back to my Dad's house and googled directions to Texas. It was 1,080 miles. I'd never driven that far. I walked out of my life that day and have not really looked back. I drove to Texas and to a rehab. My Mom found the rehab and my insurance covered it. I stopped in Odessa Texas and that's where my last drunk was. Thus, why my sobriety date is 9/6/03 versus 9/5/03. Nevertheless I was admitted to rehab on Monday 9/8/03. Things have always come easy for me, learning, school, making friends, but this was difference. I wouldn't say it was easy and I wouldn't say it was completely unfathomable either. I wanted to change my life with every fiber of my being. I wanted more out of life than what I had made of it. I knew I deserved better. I knew my family deserved better. So, here we are six years later. I never thought I'd make it this far. I guess I just never considered it. I didn't have much hope then. Now, I look at my life and it's a completely different vantage point. I find myself knowing that I am capable of so much more than I previously gave myself credit for. I have made it through both the good and the bad and to a newly recovered alcoholic sometimes the good can be more terrifying and foreign than the bad. Life has not been a bed of roses but the aroma is definitely that. I love the fact that I am no longer a slave to a liquid. I know who I am and am comfortable in my own skin. Even six years ago today I couldn't have said that. I'm more blessed than I can say. My children have a sober mother. I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful family. My Dad ended up moving out here to Texas after I gave birth to my first son. I was almost three years sober when I gave birth to him. My journey is definitely different now but no less of an adventure. I enjoy the twists and turns. I love the problems I have today. I worry about potty training and not the way I behaved in a black out yesterday. My life is just that, mine. I am free to do with it as I want. I have done the things and accomplished things in these six years that I never dreamed I would do. Especially getting my Masters degree. I'm more than halfway done and am amazed that I made it this far. In a perfect world I would have done things in the right order, gotten the degrees, found the husband, and then had kids. But, then that wouldn't be my story, would it? I've learned that just taking that first step that's the hardest is often the best one to make. I've learned that when the world seems to be falling down around you that there is still hope. I've learned that I am whatever I believe I can be. Thank you GOD for all you've inspired me to do.

Due Diligence

Well, this has been a SUPER busy week. I haven't posted in awhile in due to time constraints. Tonight was a productive night for the boys and I. We went for a long walk (about an hour). Dustin spent most of the time walking our rat terrier named Bonnie. Although, she pulled him too hard at one point and he fell down and got a nasty scrape on his knee. So, we got that bandaged up once we got home. So, the dogs and the kids, save Dakota, got some good exercise. Once we got home we had some lime popcicles. Dakota shared mine and boy does he love licking those! Then it was shower time. Dustin was quite brave considering his newly obtained ouchie. Afterwards it was a brief playtime followed by a book and then bed. Nothing like Cat in the Hat to shut down the night. Dustin has recently acquired the bad habit of sucking his thumb. It makes me irritated however I think he regressing a little bit because he sees how much attention his little brother gets. I'm told that is normal, however I don't want him to mess up his teeth. I still have the Cat in the Hat rhymes in my head. I find myself wanting to rhyme as I write this.
Work is a never ending series of work. LOL! Although, they did move me to a corner cube which seems more spacious. Although, it's the same size as the others. I enjoy working in a corner cube after two years in the middle of everyone. It only took me 3.5 years to get a corner cube. :) Perhaps I'm moving up in the world.
My friend and I were talking today about adoption. What a difficult situation that would be to go through. I told her that the people that adopt must be stronger than me. She's had infertility issues, which my sister is now experiencing. Of course since I have no experience with either and I can only empathize with those individuals. It takes great courage do tread both paths. I'm lucky that when I wanted kids that I was able to conceive. With Dustin I accidentally missed three birth control pills (not in succession) and poof I was pregnant. He was the best oops I've ever done. With Dakota I tried for three months and became pregnant. I know how much I love my children and am in awe of people that have to walk the difficult path to experience such a wonderous gift. I'm sure that it makes it that much sweeter. However, I by no means take my children for granted. I realize that they are the best gift I've ever received and feel undeserving of such a wonderous gift. I become angry when I hear people tell young women (teens) that a baby will ruin their lives. I'm NOT saying I condone teen pregnancy, however I think a baby is a wonderful gift and telling someone that it will ruin their life is a travesty. It can be difficult and trying at times. However, I view my children not as something that I must SURVIVE, but as something I'm blessed to experience. Things are difficult right now due to finances, but at the end of every day I can look at my children and know that whatever I must go through to ensure that they are okay is well worth the effort. God Bless those that must walk difficult paths to experience what I have been given so freely. For they must be stronger than I.

Economic Hardship

As we all know, the economy is in quite a state fand has been fr the past eight or nine months. I know that my family has been affected considerably during the past few months. Due to the economy, I was promoted in January but was unable to receive a raise. We are obligated to wait until next April to receive our raise. A few factors affect our current situation. Given that I received my Bachelor's degree in Business Management a year ago in July and that I am currently pursuing my Masters in Business Administration I feel that I should be paid equal to what I could earn with my degree. I have basically had the same job for 3.5 years. Thus, I am not being paid what someone with a degree would earn. That being said, we've also had a recent addition to our family. We are also not allowed to work overtime at work. Thus, it is increasingly difficult to get our bills covered. I know that others have it far worse than we do, but we are still feeling the burn.
Although, the best thing that I can say about this situation is that at least I have my family. Without the support of my husband nor the joy that my children bring, it would be impossible to survive this difficult time. I have been operating through brief periods of depression followed by longer periods of optimism. It's difficult to remain positive during this time, but it seems like the only route to go. Having my children is a great relief and source of inspiration for me. When I had Dustin, I decided to finish my Bachelor's degree and when I had Dakota I decided to obtain my Masters degree. My children make me want to be a better person. Although this time is difficult, I hope that it will soon pass. I don't know what the future holds, nor do I understand the path that God has laid out for us. However, I hope and pray that our turmoil will result in a time of plenty.

In Memory of Chris Logan

When we know someone who has passed on seemingly in the prime of life we are taken aback and wonder at the futility and randomness of such an event. Perhaps we review our own life and mortality and contemplate areas of improvement or perhaps when around our loved ones we take one extra moment to tell them we love them. No method of grieving is incorrect and it comes in all forms. Some become angry, some become depressed, and others laugh nervously. When someone dies before they have truly lived, what do we grieve for? We acknowledge their family and those they left behind. A wife and small child. The wife who will never be held in the arms of her husband and never hear his voice again. The child, robbed of so many father-son moments will never be the same. He will never be taught to ride his bike, or throw a ball, or watch in awe that his father can run so fast or throw so far. And the man who will miss the most important aspects of his life. He’ll miss watching his son grow into a man. He’ll miss his high school and college graduation. He’ll miss the wedding and birth of his grandchildren. He’ll miss it all and he will be missed. Life is so short and so brief. Cherish the important things, family and friends, the rest is just obligatory. The relationships formed and the people we meet along our journey touch a thread in time that ripples on-ward and out-ward toward infinity. Tonight I will go home and thank God that both my boys will have both parents. Problems? I don’t have any, I just thought I did.

Dakota Weber

Well, my little gremlin has two ear infections. Poor little man. When I woke up this morning at 5:00 a.m. he had a fever. I gave him some Tylenol and 45 minutes later he felt the same. I gave him a small dose of Motrin and took him temperature an hour after that because he still felt hot. It was 102! So, I took him to the doctor and he whimpered at her in this pathetic little voice. I was crestfallen. Anyway, so obviously we're home now and his fever is manageable. He's crashed out next to me now. The good news is that he's keeping his food down. Although, I'm told he threw up yesterday at daycare. I'm just glad he seems to be feeling a little bit better. He's such a sweet baby. After his fever went down he was smiling at me again, seemingly more like his old self.
I love my little angels.