Back when I was in middle school I was best friends with two girls. We'll call them K and L for simplicity. We were all basically best friends for a time. However, the time came when L decides that she didn't like K anymore. We weren't really sure why and K was quite naturally distraught. Well I tried to play the neutral role for awhile and for short time frame this worked. However, I eventually began to join L when she made fun of K thinking that K would never find out about it. Well a few months went by and things seemed fine except L had another change of heart and decided to befriend K again. That sucked. Guess who got turned on next? Yep, that's right... me. I totally deserved it. L told K all of the nasty things I had said about her behind her back. It was awful. K was seriously hurt and I felt smaller than two inches high. Suffice it to say that I lost my friendship with both girls. That was the end of my seventh grade year.
At the start of my eighth grade year I was gone for the first week because my family and I were on vacation. When I got back my friends were acting really strangely. Turns out that L had convinced them all that I was a lesbian. I'm not, but even if I were, I basically became the social equivalent of a pariah. This did not bode well for my adolescent self esteem. However, I myself had set the ball rolling the year before. So, I have basically concluded that middle school SUCKED... it is not a time frame I wish to relive.
When I got sober I realized what a brat I had been and the depth of my involvement with the situation. Not that I had forgotten or that this was the reason I drank... but that's something you do when you get sober... you review the wreckage of your past and so I looked at mine. I had no idea where to find K to apologize for my behavior and was told that I should do so if the opportunity presented itself.
Guess who I found on facebook not too long ago? The first thing I did was apologize for the awful way I behaved when I was 13. Luckily, K accepted my apology graciously. She seems to be doing wonderful with two beautiful children of her own. I'm grateful today that I am not in middle school... although sometimes situations in present day do seem to reflect the behavior of my old schoolmates I'm so grateful that I'm not there anymore. What a relief. I'm also grateful that I had the opportunity to convey my sincere apology for the harm I caused so long ago. Its one thing to be treated badly but its quite a different kind of pain when you are betrayed by those you are supposed to be able to trust. I inflicted that pain and then it was returned to me. I recall the pain from those days and it took me quite awhile before I emerged from the shell I had surrounded myself with. I still use that shell sometimes... it's a comfortable place every now and again. Although, it doesn't have quite the same fit. I'm bigger now so it gets too snug and I must emerge because alas I am an adult and being adult requires me to face most situations head on. I told my adult friend Chelle that I would like an apology from L... but am definitely not holding my breath. :)
The good thing about today is that I'm a woman and not a girl stuck in between two worlds of childhood and womanhood. Life may suck at times and its always sort of messy, whether it be my son urinating on the floor because he missed the potty, or the emotional upheavals, but at least sometimes you can try and right the wrongs of your past. I do my best to sincerely apologize if I feel that I have wronged someone. The problem with that is in my recent experience in an unrelated event, not everyone takes your apology and that doesn't "fix" everything. Regardless of the curve balls life throws at me I'm incredibly blessed with those people in my life. Especially the women in my life. They are truly amazing. This includes my close friends and family.