Boys will be Boys

I neglected to post anything regarding Dustin's bday and will as soon as I download the pictures.

Well, I'm definitely surrounded by tons of boys. I kind of like it that way... that way when I'm PMSing... I'm the only one bitchy in the house. Except the dog and cat are female. So, I guess that helps even the gender score. There is definitely something to be said for being the only bitch around. I'm not really sure I had an actual point when I began this post... but I guess I'll just run with it.
I've been teaching Dakota to say, "Mom-ma." And everytime he gets it right I clap for him and applaude how amazingly brilliant my one year old son is. Well, the other day Dakota said, "Mom-ma" and started applauding himself without any prompting from me (it was first thing in the morning... and since I don't do tricks first thing in the morning I damn sure don't expect my kids to do them either). It was so adorable. He's growing up so fast. I love the way Dakota gives hugs. He simply puts his head on your lap, leg, arm, whatever... and just pauses there. Then he looks up at you and smiles and repeats this process a few more times. He's such a little angel. Don't worry... I'm enjoying this while it lasts because soon he'll be just like my other little hellion.
Speaking of my little hellion... he also does some incredibly sweet things. Like when he's laying next to me with his blankie, he give me the smallest corner of his blankie and wants to share. He takes such good care of me. And when he whacks the shit out of me doing lord knows what he always kisses my ouchies. Typically he thinks I'm a jungle gym and just jumps on me wherever. He doesn't really have a concept that he can inflict pain since I guess he thinks I'm so much bigger than him and he thinks he's tinkerbell or something. 40+ lbs of tinkerbell can definitely cause some ouchies... luckily nothing serious. He's also very sweet with his little brother and absolutely adores playing with him. It's nice to see them together because Dakota thinks his big brother is the whole world. But, when Dustin does something he doesn't like he screams bloody murder because he knows Momma will come to his rescue... What a handful these two. Love you little bears!

Last Time... Did I speak too soon??

Okay, so while everyone else around me is secretly snickering at me because I got pregnant again. Truly in terms of my current family situation (my IF sis stopped talking to my Mom... that's a long story I'm not going in to) this at least takes the gossip mill off my sister for awhile. I think she was turning into the black sheep... looks like I couldn't let her take my crown for very long. :) LOL! My Dad told me that being pregnant right now seemed like an incredibly stupid thing. I know he's right. I do... and my husband and I have talked about him getting fixed. Perhaps I spoke too soon. It still makes my heart clench a little to think that THIS IS IT! This is the last time I will ever carry a beautiful angel inside my womb. What a depressing thought. With all of the infertility around me... my womb is one of things I love about me most. I understand what it is to see others suffer and am so grateful for my own lack of problems in that arena. I see the heartache, I see the tears, I see the woe. And for all of those things, I know what looks like, despite never having felt it myself. So, perhaps that makes me selfish... that I am grateful... but I am. I'm grateful that my womb never betrayed me like I've seen my sister's do. I think the women that go through IF are so incredibly strong and secretly I don't think I'm as strong as they are. So, I'm just going to be grateful that my womb works even when I wasn't really wanting it to. My best friend is also an IF and is working on that situation right now. I recall in the not too distant past when one of her other pregnant friends was complaining about her pregnancy. This hurt my IF friend dearly. I will be congnizant not to make the same mistake even when this baby begins to kick my ass. And she will. I'm sure it's a girl because I want a boy. I wonder if she'll cuddle with my bladder like my youngest or grind her feet in my ribcage like my oldest. I wonder if she'll have blue eyes like her brothers. I should feel her kick sometime in July. I wonder if she'll be an Xmas baby and loathe me forever because her birthday coinsides with Xmas. :) I hope she's healthy... she'll be love whatever she is. Dakota won't be my runt anymore. Hmmmm... my runt has had a fever all weekend and he's been a little under the weather. I think he's teething again because he's drooling. He likes to cuddle right now and drool all over you. It's very sweet and gross at the same time. This time I'm breastfeeding for much LONGER than I did with Dakota (two weeks)... she's got a lot of weight to take off for me... Dakota's weight and the weight she'll put on my ass. So, I've got two names I already like: Jayden Beverly Duke (this would have been Dakota's name if he'd been a girl) and Dane William Duke if it's a boy. Right now she's just a blob... a little bitty blob... at least that's what she'll look like when we first see her in 4-5 weeks. I wonder what she is... too bad I have to wait until August/September to find out. I'll make my OB appointment on Monday to see what's what. I can't believe I'm having another baby. I'm excited that this time Dustin is old enough to share this experience with me... last time I think he "got it" at the end... when we showed him the baby... and I pointed to my tummy and said, "all gone baby." This time I don't think he gets it yet... but as I get a little bigger he'll understand more. I'm excited to have him feel the baby move. Dakota won't give a shit because he's too little. I wonder if Dustin will try to put his baby sister in the closet like he did Kota. My womb and heart are full. I am grateful. To all of those suffering from IF... I hope that you too are granted your deepest desires and experience motherhood whether via adoption or conception. I read another blog that said Mother's Day forgets about all of the one's that don't have children. Happy Mother's Day IF world. You are not forgotten. You are never forgotten. And if I'm contrary... I don't mean to be... my heart comes from a place a love.

In the land of now's not a good time but I guess it's a good a time as any

So, I found out some news today and it really rocked my world. I found out that I'm expecting my third child. My whole reality seemed to tilt on axis. So, I've kind of rocked back and forth today while I digest the news. Financially this is really not a good time... I mean... really not a good time. But, a part of me is secretly happy. I was ecstatic for a few hours as well. Then I just started thinking about my selfish wants about an hour ago. I just started losing weight, I had just started working out again, I was just beginning to enjoy my life the way it was without school and with the two current boys I have. I was actually even beginning to think that I may not want anymore children at all because I want to be able to give the two children I have all that I am. Now I'm plagued with fear... how will I support this child... shit I was taking diet pills... did they harm my unsuspecting baby. Dammmit! So many things to worry about. And then I think... I knew it... I knew I was pregnant. I've had all the warning signs all month. First I was overly emotional especially for me. I always have to pee all the time... but I had to pee even more than usual and then I felt quesy this morning. Damn, double damn. I'm scared... that's the truth. More than anything I want to know that this baby is okay and healthy and that I will have the strength to give it my all.
As I had begun thinking about the selfish stuff in my life I read some infertility blogs derived from my best friend's blog and other blog I follow. In my best friend's she's having to have surgery to continue her journey to expand her family. In the second blog, the woman is currently pregnant but it seems to be a very difficult pregnancy as the baby is measuring behind and they are worried about the total welfare of the child. That baby may not make it. I think being so close to infertiles this pregnancy will make me so much more paranoid about the health of this baby. I already feel so much more paranoid than I did with my first two. And the reality is... I need to calm the 'f' down. The good news is that today is the first day I've known that I am pregnant so I'm going to allow myself the little tantrum of freaking out. At least temporarily. I can't run around screaming at the top of my lungs because that would stress out the other people in the house, especially my boys. When Momma isn't happy... neither is anyone else. So, I really was going someplace when I mentioned the infertile blogs that I was reading. I also read a couple of other blogs and the reality is... there are so many women out there right now that would kill just for the chance to "accidentally" get pregnant. So I'd better get extremely grateful in a hurry.