So, I found out some news today and it really rocked my world. I found out that I'm expecting my third child. My whole reality seemed to tilt on axis. So, I've kind of rocked back and forth today while I digest the news. Financially this is really not a good time... I mean... really not a good time. But, a part of me is secretly happy. I was ecstatic for a few hours as well. Then I just started thinking about my selfish wants about an hour ago. I just started losing weight, I had just started working out again, I was just beginning to enjoy my life the way it was without school and with the two current boys I have. I was actually even beginning to think that I may not want anymore children at all because I want to be able to give the two children I have all that I am. Now I'm plagued with fear... how will I support this child... shit I was taking diet pills... did they harm my unsuspecting baby. Dammmit! So many things to worry about. And then I think... I knew it... I knew I was pregnant. I've had all the warning signs all month. First I was overly emotional especially for me. I always have to pee all the time... but I had to pee even more than usual and then I felt quesy this morning. Damn, double damn. I'm scared... that's the truth. More than anything I want to know that this baby is okay and healthy and that I will have the strength to give it my all.
As I had begun thinking about the selfish stuff in my life I read some infertility blogs derived from my best friend's blog and other blog I follow. In my best friend's she's having to have surgery to continue her journey to expand her family. In the second blog, the woman is currently pregnant but it seems to be a very difficult pregnancy as the baby is measuring behind and they are worried about the total welfare of the child. That baby may not make it. I think being so close to infertiles this pregnancy will make me so much more paranoid about the health of this baby. I already feel so much more paranoid than I did with my first two. And the reality is... I need to calm the 'f' down. The good news is that today is the first day I've known that I am pregnant so I'm going to allow myself the little tantrum of freaking out. At least temporarily. I can't run around screaming at the top of my lungs because that would stress out the other people in the house, especially my boys. When Momma isn't happy... neither is anyone else. So, I really was going someplace when I mentioned the infertile blogs that I was reading. I also read a couple of other blogs and the reality is... there are so many women out there right now that would kill just for the chance to "accidentally" get pregnant. So I'd better get extremely grateful in a hurry.