Sunday, May 9, 2010

Last Time... Did I speak too soon??

Okay, so while everyone else around me is secretly snickering at me because I got pregnant again. Truly in terms of my current family situation (my IF sis stopped talking to my Mom... that's a long story I'm not going in to) this at least takes the gossip mill off my sister for awhile. I think she was turning into the black sheep... looks like I couldn't let her take my crown for very long. :) LOL! My Dad told me that being pregnant right now seemed like an incredibly stupid thing. I know he's right. I do... and my husband and I have talked about him getting fixed. Perhaps I spoke too soon. It still makes my heart clench a little to think that THIS IS IT! This is the last time I will ever carry a beautiful angel inside my womb. What a depressing thought. With all of the infertility around me... my womb is one of things I love about me most. I understand what it is to see others suffer and am so grateful for my own lack of problems in that arena. I see the heartache, I see the tears, I see the woe. And for all of those things, I know what looks like, despite never having felt it myself. So, perhaps that makes me selfish... that I am grateful... but I am. I'm grateful that my womb never betrayed me like I've seen my sister's do. I think the women that go through IF are so incredibly strong and secretly I don't think I'm as strong as they are. So, I'm just going to be grateful that my womb works even when I wasn't really wanting it to. My best friend is also an IF and is working on that situation right now. I recall in the not too distant past when one of her other pregnant friends was complaining about her pregnancy. This hurt my IF friend dearly. I will be congnizant not to make the same mistake even when this baby begins to kick my ass. And she will. I'm sure it's a girl because I want a boy. I wonder if she'll cuddle with my bladder like my youngest or grind her feet in my ribcage like my oldest. I wonder if she'll have blue eyes like her brothers. I should feel her kick sometime in July. I wonder if she'll be an Xmas baby and loathe me forever because her birthday coinsides with Xmas. :) I hope she's healthy... she'll be love whatever she is. Dakota won't be my runt anymore. Hmmmm... my runt has had a fever all weekend and he's been a little under the weather. I think he's teething again because he's drooling. He likes to cuddle right now and drool all over you. It's very sweet and gross at the same time. This time I'm breastfeeding for much LONGER than I did with Dakota (two weeks)... she's got a lot of weight to take off for me... Dakota's weight and the weight she'll put on my ass. So, I've got two names I already like: Jayden Beverly Duke (this would have been Dakota's name if he'd been a girl) and Dane William Duke if it's a boy. Right now she's just a blob... a little bitty blob... at least that's what she'll look like when we first see her in 4-5 weeks. I wonder what she is... too bad I have to wait until August/September to find out. I'll make my OB appointment on Monday to see what's what. I can't believe I'm having another baby. I'm excited that this time Dustin is old enough to share this experience with me... last time I think he "got it" at the end... when we showed him the baby... and I pointed to my tummy and said, "all gone baby." This time I don't think he gets it yet... but as I get a little bigger he'll understand more. I'm excited to have him feel the baby move. Dakota won't give a shit because he's too little. I wonder if Dustin will try to put his baby sister in the closet like he did Kota. My womb and heart are full. I am grateful. To all of those suffering from IF... I hope that you too are granted your deepest desires and experience motherhood whether via adoption or conception. I read another blog that said Mother's Day forgets about all of the one's that don't have children. Happy Mother's Day IF world. You are not forgotten. You are never forgotten. And if I'm contrary... I don't mean to be... my heart comes from a place a love.

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