Monday, June 14, 2010

Grrrrr and a Little MORE Grrrr

Do you ever just have those days that everyone and anything gets on your damn nerves? I felt that way several times today. I also feel like I was throwing myself a damn pity party and that gets on my nerves even more.

I was briefly speaking with my husband regarding my HPV and told him that I didn't think I had cancer because I had the cells before that. His response, "you better hope you don't have cancer." Wow! Um, wow! I don't even think words could describe how pissed off that made me. I'm still so aggravated I could spit. And he also stated that if I go that there's a lot of money in it for him. Wow... AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Seriously! I know he was just trying to be funny. Here's my husband... something starts to go wrong with me and he turns into a retard. It's like he has freaking word vomit and turns into a mess. It's like something major is happening to me and I have to comfort him. He's like an overgrown child.

And then there's my family... I have the best family in the world. I do. Nobody can say that more than me. Truly, they are miracles. My parents are amazing as well as my siblings and my Aunt. They are all amazing despite the recent drama with them. (Too long of a story)... but I feel like I have little cracks in me that I'm not allowed to show especially because of my husband. I'm really scared. I'm just scared.

I guess my problem is I am being an overgrown child right now because I want to throw a tantrum. And I think everyone thinks I'm either too mature and I definitely don't want to freak out my kids. But, do you ever want to just throw a really big freaking tantrum? I've been reading a few blogs and have some people close to me that constantly throw tantrums... and I wonder if I can have a turn. Just when I think I might get the chance, it passes. So, here goes... here's MY TANTRUM... where the fuck are the people in MY LIFE telling me its going to be okay? Oh wait... I think my Mom said something along those lines earlier. DAMMIT! I can't even throw myself a decent and valid pity party. Lame. Cause the truth is most people are that way in my life. I just don't have any female family members here right now to hug me and tell me it will be okay.

What a crappy post.

1 comment:

  1. I might not be in your blood family, but we are still family, and I am pretty sure I told you everything would be okay too. You told me the worst case scenario, and we decided together it wasn't the worst thing in the world. All that matters is getting your baby here safe and sound. Everything else is secondary. Take your time to freak out. Feel your feelings and let them out.

    Yes, D is an idiot at times, but I think he just doesn't know what to say. He loves you so much, and he doesn't want to see his world without you, so his brain-to-mouth filter shuts down.

    You WILL be okay, and you WILL get through this, and I AM here for you.

    *loads of love and hugs*